My mother has been asking me lately, “Armen, why aren’t you dating or in a relationship?”
I answer her, quite confidently in fact, every time that “I don’t really know, mom”.
In fact, I do. I really do. Today I have gotten that clarity.
I was in a relationship and marriage with my former and most recent partner from 2007 to 2014. It was during the summer of 2007 that I went to Barcelona and on my first night, I met Oswaldo. I always joked to him how meeting each other didn’t permit me the chance to do what I initially planned to do in Barcelona. He was (and is) charming, handsome, powerful with words and a genuinely outstanding guy. On day 3, I had checked out of my hotel and was staying in what would be our first apartment together. On day 7, I had to fly back to New York. Nine months later, I graduated from Columbia and moved to Spain. I was there for six years. Six equally tumultuous, but extraordinary years of maturing and evolving, loving, living, adulting we separated and eventually divorced.
It was a rainy May day in 2014, a month before I left for the U.S. He picked me up on his motorbike. I think I had a few drinks in me before we headed out to the courthouse. In fact, I had smoked a little bit of pot to take the edge off. He drove us to the courthouse and it was the most effortless beauracratic task we’d ever done as a couple (in Spain). It took about 10 minutes and the official clerk approved our marriage invalid. During our 9 month separation, I had sold myself with the idea that I was okay and fine. I had made myself believe that this loss, whatever the aggregate of reasons were for it, was necessary. Months and years after processing it, it was truly a separation that was necessary. I’m a true believer that when there is love and even though said love shifts, it never really dissipates. I might be wrong, but I’ve yet to experience any type of love that quickly turns into hate. If it does, it is only because we allow it so. As most divorces go, hate develops and is aggrandized with time. We never really hated each other, even during the rough and patchy periods. In fact, I’m happy to say we are still good friends. Love works in magical ways, but then again that’s the romantic in me who truly believes in “true love” stories (yes, in plural). That said, I know there is another one out there for me. Alas, not so easy to come by.
2016, about two years later, why am I still single? The past two years I have clearly taken the time to mature. I have challenged myself with a daily yoga practice, delved deeper into eastern philosophy and have been concentrating on developing something I feel extremely passionate about, Pack Your Mat™. I have discovered true happiness and been extremely happy with this solitude. I have come back to my roots, my family and my childhood friends. It has all been wonderful. Naturally I’m an extrovert, but I find more excitement tapping into my introverted “self”. However, the past two to three weeks, I’ve been desperately toying with the idea of companionship again. Instead of letting things fall into this place and love happening magically, I have actually been trying.
So, my mother followed up her initial question with the following:
So, do you think it’s you?
“Maybe it is,” I replied.
A text conversation with someone this afternoon, I was reassured that it is not me. I realized that I am quite comfortable in my own skin. I have dealt with my insecurities, pride and are constantly working on taming my ego. As my one hour text conversation ended abruptly at 1:30am, way past my bedtime, he picked it up the following afternoon with what every single person has probably encountered. It’s the “it’s not you, it’s me” or “it’s not the right timing for us”. I am a legitimate believer that timing is everything, so I understood that valid point on his end. He was NOT ready for me. The same thing happens over and over again and it’s ok. This only proves to be a learning experience. People fear connection and companionship, commitment and letting go in love. The vulnerabilities that come up terrifies us. Usually this manifests in a quick sabotaging of whatever could flourish, before they have even given it a chance. Instead of carrying on a 1000 lined text message, I suggested we meet and chat in person. I guess, I’m just a traditionalist But before I had the chance to “sell myself” as a compatible and eligible candidate I got the following message when he assured me that “Honestly idk if we’re compatible”. Understanding his point, but a bit confused as he judged our one hour text communication to reach his conclusion. So I replied:
This obviously would have hurt me in the past, but hurtful language only shakes me a bit and I realize how much others are digging themselves deeper into their darkest fears. I don’t feel bad, but accept that this is where they must be at the moment. We are all equal and, I too, have gone through some really shitty times. Trying really hard not to let things like this to hurt me, I usually wish them well and hope they find all they’re looking for. There is no point in perpetuating negativity and conflict.
His metaphor was clearly coming out of a place of not understanding all the lifestyle choices I have made. I might have left my career behind to pursue a passion, but placing value on my decision by comparing it to our socioeconomic statuses as vehicles, is an interesting one, I thought. He believed his humorous comparison was funny; whereas, I realized that his current understanding of reality is not fitting mine. And, that is perfectly fine. I realize that I am content with guiding where my Subaru will take me and hoping I get to enjoy my genuinely stable Subaru path, in a more sustainable and peaceful manner. Whatever a Mercedes feels like, I guess, I rather not feel it, especially if it’s going to lead me into delusion filled thinking and faulting others for whatever choices they are making. Luckily, after many encounters like this in the past two years, I have realized that it is NOT me, who is the problem. In fact, nobody is at fault. Like the true romantic that I am, I believe that I just haven’t come across the person who deserves of my love and I of his.
Timing is everything and even though I might truly believe I have found that somebody who fits my mold of the perfect one, that too might arrive during the most inconvenient of times for one or both of us. The only thing I can do is to remain open. I can try extremely hard not to let constant experiences like this make me lose faith in love stories. I do believe that we are placed on this earth to meet different individuals who will fill our lives for seasons or reasons. Thank you Mercedes for coming into mine for 12 hours. Thank you to others who have come and gone. But thank you most of all to those who have been truthful, clear, respectful, giving and loving. Your love is always appreciated. And to those who I’ve been a jerk to in the past, I hope you understand that I was likely functioning out of a place where self-love was not present.
To conclude, don’t worry mom, my time will come. To those who have convinced themselves that it’s them who is the problem, it’s not. It is what it is. It will happen when it needs to.
Namaste (and never hesitate to share with your friends who need that extra little inspiration to not lose faith in love).
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