The bittersweet feeling of leaving home and venturing out to the unknown is a feeling that is not completely uncommon to me. I’ve done it multiple times during my adult life. This time it is quite different. I am doing it from a point in my life where I feel very proud of where I am and how grounded I feel to the base I’ve set up in Los Angeles.
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions though, as I’ve worked hard to wrap things up at work, pack up and open space for my apartment subleasor, wash clothes, see friends and figure out last minute logistics. Since all this manifested so quickly and all of this came together in 14 days, common symptoms anxiety, along with fatigue which I’m all too familiar with came back to visit me.
This past year, I’ve done a satisfactory job controlling these feelings through breath and movement in yoga. However, the fear of leaving things that are dear and common to me and diving into new experiences, as well as, having to say goodbyes again to the people I love naturally brought on these uncomfortable fast paced beating of the heart and an overall increase of my state of worry and fear.
Certain points during the past week I have been reflecting on this idea of regression. It felt quite annoying and made me feel that all the work I have put in this past year was for nothing. But, the minute I put my suitcase and backpack in my car and drove to my parents house, had a home cooked meal and had a moment to sit quietly and reflect, I got the following thought:
REGRESS TO PROGRESS
It is absolutely ok to regress a bit. It is just fine to come back to those feelings that have caused so much pain in the past. It’s ok to remember that there was a moment in life that joy was unable to be found, but then to once again be able to fuel up and be capable to move forward and progress. I am fine with this temporary state of confusion and angst, because I know how good progression feels. I know for a fact that joy, long-lasting joy, is not easily taken away from me anymore. These feelings that I permitted myself to attach to quite easily the past few days were a result of last minute stress and fear. The moment I realized that all I need to do is let it go and live in the moment and think about the decision that I have made and trust that it is the decision I had to make (right now), I am able to work through the emotions.
As I get to spend my last 48 hours in Los Angeles before my 4 month trip abroad, I trust that everything will be ok. I have to continue reminding myself never to attach myself to that which is negative and not serving me. I also know that to progress, a little bit of regression, is necessary, if not helpful.