Loss is subjective, like most things in life. On a recent post titled Loss of a Bag, I explained how the theft of a simple bag triggered emotions of various undealt losses I experienced in the past few months and years. A loss of a bag, perhaps might not be something one gets full authority to talk about loss. But this past week has been a full scope of experiences which remind me of the appreciation of all that I have in my life.
The day after my car got broken into, I decided to take it easy and spend it in a leisurely manner and listen to my body carefully. On Tuesday, feeling rejuvenated and outstanding, released of negative emotions and ready to start the day anew, I started the morning with overdue emails, writing and work. At noon, I made it to a yoga class with an instructor I have been meaning to meet and practice with. On my second or third jump to chaturanga I noticed that I jumped too high (metaphorically and literally) and harmed my toe. I didn’t think much of the injury at the moment, because I was deep into my practice. I carried on and finished on the mat. Throughout the day, I realized that my second toe on my right foot was slowly changing shades of grey and blue. An uncomfortable but sexy pimp walk started to emerge. It was not until the next day, unable to step my foot on the floor that I realized medical attention might be necessary. Luckily, after an X-Ray and an MRI, it was concluded that there was no ligament torn or a fractured/broken toe; however, a severe injury that needed to be dealt with and healed.
One doesn’t think much of these small and unappreciated phalange, until a loss of use of them. In fact, who knew that a slight damage to one of our tiniest bones could offset so much. I wasn’t able to process much of this at the moment, especially being dead in the middle of my yoga teacher training. Having developed a daily practice, I felt like I was on a roll, both on and off the mat. I had also planned to pack my mat on the 5th of June and do 5 days of yoga and hiking. The plan is still in effect. But, to fathom that I can not fully practice and not enjoy my trip as I had planned could have easily thrown me into negativity land and a spiral of sadness and anxiety. Instead I am taking it as a sign to just slow down and an opportunity for growth.
One very slow step at a time, I experience and see the world go by fast. Like a merry go round at nighttime, the velocity of the ride blending the beautiful lights into one, I am motionless. While everyone’s moves and becomes one and I stand back and observe. Unable to catch up with that pace, I gain a new and intriguing perspective. I no longer feel the need to race with my feet or mind. Mentally, I decide to process things at the same pace as my walk. In a world of constant processing of data, ironically, an injury is what organically brings me to the balance I need. I’m not going to lie and say that it isn’t frustrating. However, I find a new appreciation for the small things in life, including that tiny bone in my foot.
Rewinding back to my yoga mat on that Tuesday around 12:10pm when the injury occured. My body felt open, strong and able to do anything. I had been jumping into sometimes smooth chaturanga for quite a time now. That exact moment, two seconds before the incident, I remember not letting my body flow naturally, but instead pushing to jump too high. Jumping really high has it’s risks. Was I ready to deal with them? That exact moment, I did not think about the consequences, just the momentary action.
In retrospect, would I do it again? Yes! Without risk, change is impossible. Without change, there is a paralysis in personal growth. Without growth, we cease to lead a meaningful life.
With this experience I hope to redefine the meaning of “loss” and view it from a different angle. If one thinks of loss as an absence of something or someone as we normally put meaning to the word, then it becomes just that, a lack thereof. However, if I think of loss as a transformation of a relationship, then, I have lost nothing. I have only transformed my relationship with that bag, my toe and with people. If loss can be viewed as a requisite for personal transformation and evolution, we react to it differently.
That said, Mourn your loss. Embrace it. Don’t forget it. Love yourself and what you have lost. Said loss has likely taught you plenty.